guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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