I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
