You really coming over, don't trick.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
