my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
