When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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