what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
