Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You ruined the universe
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
