He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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