If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize