There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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