remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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