Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.