Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
