i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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