he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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