I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
