my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
