big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
