Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
