im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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