Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
