I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
