hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
