Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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