My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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