I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
