I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
