my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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