mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
