so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think a kid would responsible me up
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
