I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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