mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
