my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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