I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
