when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
