u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
