Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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