On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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