I CAN MOONWALK!
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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