Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
