Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
