i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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