I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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