So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
