if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
