So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
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while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
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You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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