News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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