god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My cat gives me a boner
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
