I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
