i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
