nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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