i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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