how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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