my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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