Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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