Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
