You can't special order awesome
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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